life – Page 113 – Cubey Terra

February 25, 2003

Temptations of the flesh

As I strolled down Robson Street, I blended perfectly with the crowd. I wore my Gore-Tex™ jacket, hiking boots, and sunglasses, I carried a cell phone, and I smelled slightly of the spicy tuna maki I had just finished. I looked (and smelled) just like your average Vancouverite. That’s why I’m surprised that I was singled out.

A man in a crisp, black suit stepped in front of me, and in a tone reminiscent of MacCarthyism, he asked, “Have you ever been to Hooters?”

Startled, I jumped left to avoid him, and managed to mumble a defensive “No” before slipping past.

“Could I change your mind if I offered you free food, free beer, and free women?” he called after me.

What? For a fraction of a second, I hesitated, which made my response come out like “Nnn—” (insert near-instantaneous moral self-check) “—o”. Thankfully, my feet kept moving, carrying me far away from the moral quagmire.

Three things I desire most in life — food, beer, and women — all free and gratis too. I’m not sure what he meant exactly by “free women”, but I’m sure it was legit. He meant the serving staff, right? The catch was that it was in one of the most low-brow, mouth-breathing, mullet-infested restaurants downtown.

Half a block later, the voice was still echoing in my head: Could I change your mind if I offered you free food, free beer, and free women?

Yes! Yes, goddammit, yes! You could! Oh, the flesh is weak.

February 25, 2003

An expensive month

It irks me that February has only 28 days, yet my monthly bills are the same as a 31-day month. That means that a day in February costs me about ten percent more than a day in January.

Why don’t we fix this problem by making all months exactly 30 days long? The leftover days at the end of the year can be a wild, bacchanalian party, full of togas, cold beverages, and unusual snacks.

Anyone else with me on this?

February 25, 2003

There once was a man from Peru

I know I have an opinion about something, but I can’t quite decide what it is. When I figure that out, I’ll probably rant about it for several paragraphs.

Until then, however, I’ll just post this limmerick. I woke up with this going through my head, and I don’t know where it came from. Is that a sign that I’ve lost my marbles? Probably.

There once was a man from Peru

Who dreamed he was eating his shoe

He woke with a fright

In the middle of the night

And found it was perfectly true.

Yes. Send the men in white coats.

February 24, 2003

Les pommes frites de liberté

Last week, CNN reported that a North Carolina restaurant owner had renamed his French fries “Freedom Fries”. A change of menu wouldn’t normally catch the attention of a major media corporation, but in this case it was in response to the French opposition to a war in Iraq. Reporters were all over it in seconds. I suppose if CNN says it’s a patriotic act, then I guess I’ll have to believe it.

I would like to urge all Canadians to adopt the following changes to menus:

Change California roll sushi to Canuck Roll
Change Philly cheese steak to Sudbury Sandwich
Change Texas toast to Maple Leaf Toast
Change KFC to KFC (Kelowna Fried Chicken)
Change New England clam chowder to Chowder, Eh?
Change Boston clam chowder to Red Chowder, Eh?
And finally, beer should be called Liquid Canada.

That last one doesn’t have to change, but we really like our beer in Canada.

That’ll show those unpatriotic people in the White House that we mean business.

February 24, 2003

Minus one

I don’t understand what I’m seeing. The thermometer is showing a negative temperature. It says -1°C. I thought all life stopped at zero.

It’s truly frightening. Strange things are happening that seem to defy the laws of nature. My car wouldn’t start. And it was encrusted all over with a white substance.

And the most bizarre thing I have ever seen was the large puddle in the parking lot… it had become a solid. That’s right. The water no longer moved freely.

This is very unsettling.