Marmite: The devil’s umami (repost)

This post is copied from one of my Twitter Threads because why not?

A few days ago, I read something about how some people love Marmite, while others hate it. I’ve never tried Marmite, so why not give it a shot? What is Marmite, you ask?

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say: In short, it’s yeast extract paste. In 1902, a crazy German guy got the idea to sell the waste yeast from brewing beer as a foodstuff. Some crazy Brits love it and spread it on toast or use it in cooking.

The theme I picked up on is “crazy”. I Like crazy foods, so I bought some. Join me as I try Marmite for the first time.

Opening it, the texture is like thick syrup. It spreads easily like honey that has been run through a ferret first. I have some Carr’s water crackers (or “Craquelins à l’eau”, which sounds like a Cockney “allo!”).

And then the smell kind of jumps up into my nostrils and assaults them. This is definitely not an “aroma” but a “smell”. Maybe “stink”. It’s like extreme umami, like herring paste but not fishy. Maybe a hint of caramel hiding in it. This is… well. Hmm.
It reeks like an old man’s undies.

Time to take the plunge I guess.

First bite: OMGWTF, it attacked my tongue. It’s… like what I imagine rubbing a dried oily herring on the tongue is like, but it’s not olive oil — it’s motor oil. Then that’s swept away by just relentless salt.

Salt is the second ingredient. I might as well have poured some salt directly from the shaker into my mouth. Oh, man. That’s aggressive. People eat this? People pay money for this torture? Gah!

Salt is the second ingredient in Marmite.

Now there’s a stunning, lingering aftertaste. It’s the demon of beer yeast. Satan’s beer farts.

OMG, I need more water. And plain crackers. Anything. Anything to get this foot fungus out of my mouth! Gaaaa! That is definitely the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. Eff me! More water! UK, what the hell is wrong with you?

Well that was fun. My stomach is grumbling angrily, and my tongue won’t even speak to me. Marmite. Damn.