During the weekly product meeting, never tell them that you have nothing to report because you spend all day playing Quake II. Management may not share your sense of humour.
Cubicle Rule #26
When writing instructions for a software manual, avoid referring to the user as “the DFU”. Customers may not share your sense of futility.
Hey diddle diddle
Back in February I launched an investigation into the mystery of the missing utensils — namely the spoons and the coveted spork. All of the spoons had mysteriously vanished from the sixth floor kitchen. Due to a complete lack of evidence (and investigative competence), I quit the case in order to found the Church of the Holy Spork.
Well that turned out to be a mistake too, and now that I’ve returned to technical writing, there’s been a new development. The bowl is now missing as well, and the word on the street is that the dish ran away with the spoon.
My first instinct was to bring the cow in for questioning. Unfortunately, during her jump over the moon, she made a slight miscalculation in her trajectory and is trapped in a high orbit around the earth. The Russians are sending a Soyuz spacecraft to recover her, but they fear the worst.
The little dog is my next suspect. Both the cat and the fiddle claim that the dog was there and was crippled with bouts of insane laughter. Sounds suspicious to me.
Achieving a balanced diet
Last night I accidentally ate something healthy for dinner. Today I’ll have to compensate by eating something absurdly greasy.
There are several grades on my scale of greasiness.
- Non-greasy. Anything with leaves, I suppose. To be perfectly honest, I’m not very familiar with this category.
- Greasy. Fried noodles. Fried eggs. Fried green tomatoes.
- Really greasy. Bacon. Fish and chips. Pizza.
- Dangerously greasy. All-meat pizza. McDonald’s Hockey Hero Sandwich. Duck.
- Absurdly greasy. Deep fried pizza. Deep fried duck (with cheese). A deep-fried Hockey Hero Sandwich topped with nacho cheese dip and duck drippings.
So there you go. Do print out this list as a handy reminder when choosing foods at lunch time. And remember: if you eat something healthy, balance it out by eating something equally unhealthy.
!!WARNING!!
Like matter and anti-matter, the greasy and non-greasy foods should never come in direct contact with each other, or the resulting explosion could wipe out all life on the planet.
Indecisive
I deliberated. I pondered. I weighed the pros and cons. I flipped a coin. I consulted the magic 8-ball. I consulted the plant in the corner of my room (that didn’t help, but I managed to turn a new leaf). I just can’t decide what to do with my website layout.
Should I keep the new white-and-grey layout? Should I try the black layout again? Should I return to the familiar old layout with the bandwidth-consuming graphics?
Help me out here. Please vote in the Cubicle Poll.