A song about a sandwich

As I promised in the comments on an earlier post, I devoted a portion of my lunch break to writing a song about a sandwich. Ahem… to be sung to the tune of “The Yellow Rose of Texas” — written in 3 minutes.

I spotted me a sandwich

A-lying on the ground

It wriggled like an earthworm

And didn’t make a sound

I stabbed it with my chopsticks

And lifted it up high

It writhed and tried to bite me

And wouldn’t seem to die

I threw it into traffic

And heard a meaty crunch

I saw the mayo squirting

And then I lost my lunch

[insane giggling] Your turn. :)

Bubba Ho-Tep

Go rent the movie Bubba Ho-Tep. Right now. Do it.

It’s silly and clever at the same time. Elvis, JFK, and a soul-sucking mummy, all in the same movie. How cool is that?

What are you doing still sitting there? Git!

Thankyuh, thankyuhverruhmuch.

Edit: About 10 years ago I had an idea for a screenplay in which Elvis, JFK, and Marilyn Monroe shared an apartment. Everyone told me my idea was too stupid for a full length script. They were right — I should have thought to include a soul-sucking mummy. It makes all the difference, apparently.

The dreaded “bird book”

When my brothers and I were little, my dad was a bit of a birder, and I think he still is now, but to a lesser extent. I don’t think he was ever a rabid birder exactly, but he did own a well-used copy of “A Field Guide to Birds”.

To my brothers and I, it was The Bird Book. Any time he spotted an unusual bird, out would come The Bird Book to the sound of collective groans. We’d spend the next fifteen minutes or so flipping through the pages of feathery mug shots, trying to find a positive match. And then when he found it, he’d give a gleeful chortle and announce it’s name to anyone within hearing range. “Ho-ho! It’s a bufflehead.” The book would then be left open on that page for everyone’s reference.

It was a good experience for a kid, though only some of it stuck with me. I can still identify coots, loons, and various ducks and geese, but others escape me. For example, there’s a big black sea bird that’s not uncommon along the coast here. Eats fish. Does a lot of standing around and diving. Very impressive. I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called.

My cubicle neighbour is a birder, and after I described it (inaccurately), she pulled out her own Bird Book. The moment I saw a painting of it on the flyleaf, the name popped into my head: cormorant.

So the constant exposure to The Bird Book did train me to identify birds, but apparently I can only identify paintings of birds.

Now that’s odd

This morning I woke up singing a song. I can’t remember the words now, but it was about sandwiches.

Thoughts about Wolfgang Petersen’s “Troy”

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN MOVIE SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Things I noticed about Troy:

  • Achilles really likes to point his sword sideways at people and look down the blade. Someone should have mentioned to him that you don’t need to aim a sword like a gun.
  • In one scene, the Trojans appear to roll gigantic balls of yarn down onto the Greek encampment. They should have followed that by unleashing the gigantic kittens. “Cry Havoc! and let slip the kittens of war!”
  • They keep starting massively violent battles, only to stop them suddenly, saying something like, “Well there’s been enough killing for one day.”
  • Is it really necessary for the men to have shorter skirts than the women?
  • Maybe if they wore thigh armour instead of shin armour they’d have fewer leg wounds.
  • Achilles, of course, gets an arrow in his heel. A nearby audience member whispered to another, “His Achilles tendon!” No, that’s not why it’s ironic, you doofus.
  • Achilles manages to woo the lovely Perseus into his bed, despite her being the cousin of Hector. Fortunately, Achilles has a Trojan on him.

In the words of the immortal Homer: “Doh!”