Category: life

My drive to the cubicle farm this morning was a smoky one, due to a massive fire that’s burning out of control in the Burns Bog in Delta, BC, just southeast of Vancouver. The air smells and tastes like peat smoke, and ash is falling to the ground as far away as downtown Vancouver. As I crossed the bridge to Richmond, I saw the massive column of smoke that’s rising from Delta. The very thing that has made peat such a valued fuel for thousands of years is going to make this one hard to put out — they say that bog fires burn slowly, and underground, so that even if it looks like it’s out, it may smoulder for weeks and even flare up again.

On the bright side, smokers stepping outside for a puff can spend less on cigarettes now.

Link: CKNW.com: Fire Threatens Portions of Burns Bog

In today’s lunchtime adventure, I bought myself a McD’s “oriental” chicken salad. With the wilted green lettuce, Paul Newman salad dressing, and sliced up McChicken patty, it doesn’t seem particularly “oriental” to me. Unless of course the plastic bowl was made in China.

In an effort to boost sagging readership numbers, I have been asked to revise Monday’s entry to include more exciting content.

Given the choice between a dry, meager sandwich and the edible grease-sponges from McD’s, I usually go for the sandwich — especially when I’m falling from ten thousand feet with evil henchmen taking swipes at me with razor-sharp machetes. Sandwiches just seem to hold together better in freefall. Today, however, gnawing hunger drove me to blast into a McD’s wearing my top secret jet pack to lay my hands on one of those new “deli” sandwiches. The girl at the counter said it was better for me.

But for some reason, I felt she was lying. Maybe it was the shifty look in her eyes. Maybe it was the nervious twitch at the edge of her mouth. Or maybe it was her spastic outburst of “I’M A LYING SACK O’ CRUD AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!” before she crumpled into a sobbing heap on the floor. I have to keep my eyes open for these little clues.

While all eyes were on the sobbing McD’s girl, I swiped a steaming “buffalo chicken deli sandwich” and blasted off to my top secret lab, which I keep in geosynchronous orbit over the Pacific. After running the sandwich through the computer for analysis, I was utterly gobsmacked. This was no “deli sandwich”!

At first, as far as I could tell, the buffalo chicken deli sandwich is just an elongated McChicken with mildly spicy sauce on it. There was, in fact, no buffalo in it at all. And inside that, under the wilted lettuce and wedged inside a soggy crevice of processed chicken “meat” was a tiny but powerful bomb!

Grabbing the sandwich, I threw it into the airlock and pounded the emergency cycle button. The blast of decompressed blew the deadly at high speed outward into the inky blackness of space. Mere minutes later, a blinding flash enveloped my lab, followed by a shock wave that nearly tore the place apart.

I survived the ordeal, but now I’m curious what other “deli” offerings they have. Maybe they’ll have a beef and cheese “deli” sandwich that’s an elongated Big Mac… WITH A THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE!

Of course, I don’t expect any better. I just like the entertainment of discovering weapons of mass destruction buried in common food items. It’s all part of keeping the world safe from the evil gloved hand of Ronald.