Thinking inside the box

The toughest part of being a technical writer is the 2% of the job in which I have to be creative. I have no problem with creativity in general, of course. I do, however, have a problem with thinking inside the box.

If you’re a junior whatever at a cube farm, don’t let anyone fool you into thinking outside of the box. Trust me, it’s just a catch phrase invented by corporate automatons to make themselves feel like the ordinary crap of their job is actually an intensely creative experience.

No, those briefest of moments in which you think creatively must fall within well-defined boundaries of a corporate taste. That is, all good ideas fall into the same marketspeak meatgrinder, where it’s turned into an easily-digestible, homogenious paste before being spoonfed to upper management from a gold-plated tureen.

Please understand that I’m referring to companies in general. It’s the nature of product design and marketing to render all brilliant concepts down to their most meaningless essence.

So, thinking within the box, I need to come up with a title for a new user guide. Most guides, as you have seen are cleverly titled “User Guide”. That’s a difficult one to top, but I plan to try. If the product is Wxyz, maybe we could name it

Learning Wxyz

Getting to Know Wxyz

Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned from Wxyz

Wxyz: Your New Best Friend

Wxyz for DFUs

Wxyz: RTFM

Getting that Warm, Fuzzy Feeling with Wxyz

Wxyz: A Reason to Keep Living

Wxyz User Guide: the Paper Thing that Makes the Box Feel Satisfyingly Heavy

Food substitute

Can you name this “food” item?

INGREDIENTS. CRUST: FLOUR, SUGAR/GLUCOSE-FRUCTOSE, WHOLE OATS, VEGETABLE SHORTENING, WATER, HONEY, DECSTROSE, MILK INGREDIENTS, WHEAT BRAN, SALT, MICORCRYSTALLINE CELLULOSE, POTASSIUM BICARBONATE, SOYA LECITHIN (EMULSIFIER), NATURAL AND SIMULATED FLAVOUR, WHEAT GLUTEN, CORN STARCH, CARRAGEENAN, GUAR GUM. FILLING: SUGAR/GLUCOSE-FRUCTOSE, APPLE PRESERVE (GLUCOSE-FRUCTOSE), APPLE PUREE, WATER) GLYCEROL, MODIFIED CORN STARCH, SODIUM ALGINATE, MALIC ACID, SODIUM CITRATE, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, METHYLCELLULOSE, CINNAMON, CITRIC ACID (ACIDULANT), COLOUR.

On the bright side, it has only 3 grams of fat! It must be good for you.

It’s not dead. It’s just pining for the fjords.

It wasn’t supposed to be such an ordeal. I thought, “Hey, why don’t I finish that story I was writing?” and thoughtlessly threw myself into the fray.

I guess I panicked, because on the weekend I couldn’t put words on paper (or the screen for that matter). The Ready Or Not crowd brainstormed some excellent ideas on Sunday night, but to no avail. Last night, I packed it in. Seaton’s Journal was officially dead and buried.

Wow. What a relief to just give up. I went to sleep happy and relaxed, having been released from the chains of my hideous creation.

Until this morning, when I realized what the story was really about. The plot’s on life-support for now, but I think it stands a chance of pulling through. If it survives the next week or two, I’ll keep going. If not, there’s a recycle bin eyeing those files hungrily.

It’s the Cheops Show, tonight at 8 on Fox!

4,500 years ago, the Egyptian pharoah Cheops had the Great Pyramid built. Inside the pyramid, at the end of a long, steep shaft that is too narrow for human passage, there is a stone door. The door has remained closed for thousands of years, but tonight the seal will be broken on a live television broadcast. (Article on Canada.com)

Should some doors remain closed? This strikes me as a dangerous game. I’m not referring to the curse of the pharoah. I mean broadcasting the event live is a risky business, as Geraldo Rivera can attest to. So many things can go wrong in the brief two hour broadcast — the least of which could be the discovery of an empty chamber beyond the door.

If I were to be cynical for a moment… er… for another moment, I would predict one of these outcomes:

1.) The robotic probe breaks down or gets stuck before finishing the job.

2.) The door turns out to be far thicker than the measly 7.6 cm they detected.

3.) Should they manage to drill through the door, it will be too dark to see anything.

4.) They discover that it’s just a really elaborate cat door.

But will I be watching? Abso-freakin-lutely! I first heard about this mysterious door a few years ago while watching one of those educational (and entertaining) documentaries about the mysterious shaft. I was hooked — I love a good mystery.

I hope they brought Brendan Fraser with them, because the dreaded mummy of Cheops’ cat may not like being woken from its nap.