Category: life

Today I recieved yet another plea for help from overseas, in which Mr. Abdul Dagogo requires my help to liberate $32.2 million that belonged to an important Nigerian oil merchant (now unfortunately deceased). Mr. Dagogo explains:

A foreigner, Late Engineer Mark Otagaki who was an oil merchant and contractor with the Federal Government of Nigeria until his death onboard the ill fated Kenyan Airways bus {A310300}was our customer at the AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK and had a balance of US$32 .2million which the bank now expects his next of kin to claim as the beneficiary.We have made valuable efforts to get his people to no avail as he had no known relatives,due to this development our management and our board of directors are making arrangements for the funds to be declared unclaimed and subsequently paid into the federal government purse and to avert this negative development me and my colleagues have decided to look for a reputable person to act as the next of kin to late Mr. Otagaki so that the funds will be released and paid into your account and this is where you come in.

Such tragedy, and such sheer coincidence to follow so closely on the heels of Mrs. Gbagbo’s loss of $50 million. Mr. Dagogo, I would love to assist you, but really, I can’t at the moment. And to other African diginaries who may be reading: please try not to misplace any more money. I can only help so many at one time.

Some people have a strange obsession with penguins. I have no idea why. They’re obviously unbalanced personalities.

Here are couple of penguin-related links:

Priscilla’s Perfect Performing Penguins of Persia. I hadn’t heard of Persian penguins before. Or Persian icebergs for that matter.

Penguin Humor.

Spaced Penguin. A really fun game. Okay, it’s for kids, but it’s still fun.

I feel… deeply honoured. Honoured that of all people in the world, they have turned to me for help.

Today I received an urgent appeal from a Mr. Steve Lukas on behalf of Her Excellency Mrs. Gbagbo of the Ivory Coast. Mr. Lukas explains,

During this melee however, the wife of the President, Her Excellency, Mrs Gbagbo was able to airfreight to Europe the sum of Fifty Million United States Dollars ($50m) because of her fears of not knowing the outcome of this conflict. She was assisted by one of the friendly countries who came to evacuate her citizens from this troubled spot. It was airfreighted in luggages labelled as “diplomatic valuables”. It is currently with a courier security firm in Europe. Those who airfreighted it and the security firm now in position of it are not aware of the contents.

Sequel to this development, I, STEVE LUKAS an attorney by proffession have been mandated by the first lady to look for an honest and a reliable foreign partner who will cliam the fund deposited with the security company, lodge it in his name in his designated bank and if the need arises, he can also help invest the fund in real estate or any other business/s that yields high returns.

How could I, in good conscience, not help these noble and honest people, who are so obviously not part of that infamous Nigerian e-mail scam?

I’m sorry for keeping you in suspense about the missing co-workers. They’re back, and they’re fine, albeit a little the worse for wear. It may take days to expunge the scent of seaweed and fish slime, and longer to settle their nerves.

Shortly after my last entry, the rumour spread like wildfire: they were being held hostage by the OLP — the dreaded Organización de la Liberación del Pingüino from the Faulkland Islands. If you know anything about these birds, you’ll know that they’re ruthless and will relentlessly go “urk urk urk urk” at you until you submit to their demands. Hideous.

All ended well when a worker at the Vancouver Aquarium discovered my coworkers imprisoned in the seal tank. Knowing the penguins’ weakness, he distracted them with a bucket of herring and freed hostages. The penguins are now in custody. You can see them performing daily following the whale show.