Before I started my vehicle business, before I built the airports, I worked for my L$ as an event host. I built Theatre Terra in the shadow of Delerium Castle in Natoma, where I’d stage weekly “bad poetry” contests. I gave participants eight words and fifteen minutes to write the absolute worst poem they could manage that included all eight words. Hanging over the stage was a portrait of Prostetic Vogon Jeltz to inspire us.
Among the dozens of residents who dropped by to pen their putrid poesy were names that are well-known three years later. And so I present to you, vile verse from fetid oldbies.
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WARNING: THE FOLLOWING LINES MAY INDUCE NAUSEA AND VOMITING
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UVULA’S LAMENT
by Fallingwater Cellardoor
Uvula! He winkled to me
as he extinguished the mime that was
under the fruit punch bowl and
I thankled him for that.
Oh my Uvula, he hiccuped and sprinkled
He said, I vaccilate and vaccinate
and then i vaccipate for good measure
Sweet uvula, i can’t choose between
you and the glimmering dinosaur
Or the simmering poultry that squawks so sweetly
So I quimpled him.Hard.
Black
by Max DeGroot
Black
The backbone of blackness
A black altar to the idol of the Black God
As black honey drips
Down his black complexion
The voluptuous black volcano
Erupting its black ketcup
As the black rabbit laughs in durision
Black
And nothing more
All is meaningless
Untitled
by Lordfly Digeridoo
Bored out of my gourd,
I stand on my fjord,
Trying to find a way to jumpstart my Ford.
The hemp brownie that I ate,
gave me indigestion as of late,
Which doesn’t help me at all in my presently un-Forded state.
I sense what to do,
and call upon my kangaroo,
Who is currently on vacation and riding a Skidoo.
He opens up his phone,
and in a monotonous tone,
Agrees to come help me as long as i’m prone.
I wait on my hood,
til my pelvis is numbed good,
and scour the roadside to look for some wood.
I give up the search,
and enter my trunk in a lurch,
As I whip up a quick salad like I learned how to in church.
It is with carrots I skimp,
instead preferring some shrimp,
that I cook over the zither that I just had to crimp.
The crimping was needed
Cause the fire that i seeded,
required some roasting before my salad was completed.
The kangaroo arrived,
and as far as I surmised,
Got the ford working, much to my surprise.
I drove off quickly
my stomach still sickly,
as I felt my pelvis still kinda prickly.
Untitled
by Mistress Midnight
my life as a dolly
sure i giggle after the wiggle
you’ll see why they call me flipper
if you’re a good tipper.
pimp’s lookin for a deposit
so the ho boots are comin out of the closet
lookin up at your tapestry while lyin on my back
you paid $300 up front to get me in the sack
..this poem is crappy i cant get errogenous in it
i dont think im gonna win it :(
Banal Love Bucket
by Cienna Rand
Behold, the erogenous lass doth breath slow
For she shall deposit her endless treasure.
Upon the tapestry I lie
Awaiting my dolly, with baited breath.
My slimy stare watches her form.
Her flipper entrances me.
Forsooth, the sublime embrace takes us.
We shall giggle, giggle, and then giggle more
As we fade into the thingy.
Untitled
by Bhodi Silverman
By the dim light of the ancient chandelier…
Covered in shreds of cobweb,
Like coleslaw at a picnic of the dead…
The guests drank dark wine scented with fear.
The pendulum swung on the frayed rope…
Strands snapping away like a transvestite’s chest hair
Sitting pateintly in the electolysist’s chair….
Until at last it was clear there was no hope.
Finally, as the cobwebbed candles burned…
Like the fire in a penguins eyes,
When he hears the dying hippo’s cries…
The pendulum crashed the party like a lover spurned.
Then the host said, “Damn, I’ve been meaning to get that fixed.”
Untitled
by Nephilaine Protagonist
I feel as if a dainty….fainty slip of the spoon urged my kayak to capsize with unknow stuff.
That is also why my balaclava is so huff and puff.
The yodel i do is different then the need for eulogy.
And it is not a glimpse of phsycotherapy.
No no no none of these herculean words is mine, yet you need to heed thyself from the sheep, for it massages quickly.
And of course the fox is cunning and trickly.
Repeat is handy when doing things.
and repeat is handy when it comes to springs.
Repeat is handy when doing things.
and repeat is handy when it comes to springs.
The fly eat a hamburger because it does not eat a cheeseburger.
Music stops and ends when … o no the beat is hard and like a rhino very fast.
I once knew a man named Turger.
And he didn’t last…..very long
If you haven’t keeled over or vomited yet, you have a strong constitution indeed.
