Sadly, I have to admit that today I lunched at the Scottish restaurant. I had avoided it for months, but while passing McDonald’s I succumbed to a combination of hunger pangs and delicious posters of hamburgers. (No, that wasn’t a misplaced modifier — the posters are far more delicious than the hamburgers.)
I’m pleased to report that the menu is exactly as I remember it — a lineup of vaguely beef-related sandwiches accompanied by tallow-soaked potato product. After consuming the “McDeal” of the day, I dumped the remains of the day into the nearest garbage receptacle, and was startled when it spoke to me.
“Thank you,” it said. Its voice was deep and gentle, and imbued with paternal kindness, as if someone’s dad had accidentally fallen into the garbage can and decided to make the best of it by thanking passers-by for cleaning up after themselves. It turned out not to be my dad or anyone else’s, thankfully. It’s actually an electronic recording that’s triggered each time someone throws something away — an innovative way to imbue a feeling of warmth and personal attention that doesn’t actually exist at McDonald’s.
I can’t wait to see what else speaks to me next time I need to satisfy my hamburger addiction. Maybe my chair will thank me for sitting down, and my table will thank me for placing objects on it. And toilets too! “Thank you.”