Category: news

Like a great many other cubicle-dwellers, I began my day today thinking about my alarm clock. When I say that I was thinking about it, I mean that I might have actually started my day by saying fuck off and die to my alarm clock, before bashing it over the head (if it can be said to have one) with my open hand. And then I wondered why the alarm went off at all, because I never use the alarm.

I like clocks. I have an interesting relationship with them. (Patricia will very likely misread that last sentence.) Clocks, especially analog ones, are nice to look at. They’re simple. Some of them tick. Some of them tock. Others do both alternately. So I like to keep them around just for their aesthetic appeal.

But the thing is, I don’t use them for anything. I don’t wear a wristwatch. I don’t wake up to an alarm in the morning. And I don’t refer to them much. In fact, the clock in my living room has black hands on a black background, which makes it impossible to read in almost any light. That’s why I like it.

So I don’t seem to need clocks — I just never seem to be late (usually), and I never oversleep. I have a theory about this. My theory is that I’ve had these ticking clocks around me for so long, that I subconsciously count the seconds until it’s time to get up. My subconscious mind is obviously better with numbers than I am.

This leads me to wonder how I came to start my day by swearing at my clock. Maybe my subconscious needed a break from counting seconds, turned on the alarm while I was distracted by something, and took the night off.

Well I don’t like it. I decided to take action. I explained to my subconscious in a very clear sequence of Rorschach inkblots that I dislike the alarm and something else about trains going into tunnels. Obviously, my subconscious had the upper hand in that exchange.

The post-hypnotic suggestion wasn’t successful either. Apparently I bark whenever someone mentions “time”.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll give it some time WOOF and things will return to normal. I just wish I had a snooze button.

Here’s an interesting bit of news. In the parkade where I park my car every day (“…what else does one do in a car park?“), something completely unexpected happened. Someone broke into violinist Esther Boisvert’s car.

Something like this could never be forseen. No one could have noticed that on many mornings there are little piles of broken auto glass next to several stalls. The gigantic signs posted by Vancouver Police that warn about theft are, of course, to be generally ignored too. And the shifty-looking guys carrying baseball bats are probably just showing up to play a game of ball with their friends. So Esther can be forgiven for leaving a $600,000 Stradivarius in the trunk of her car.

Fortunately, within 45 minutes the thief who stole it tried to pawn the Strad without ID… next to a police officer, who was in the shop conducting an audit.

Article on CBC.ca: Stradivarius recovered before reported stolen

Article on Canada.com: Thief fiddled around too long in the wrong pawnshop

I could hardly believe my eyes! Right there in the water, next to a small, rocky island, was the clear shape of a sea monster’s back and head!! In this never-before-published photo, which I took myself at Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver, you can clearly see the beast just offshore!!!

Sea monster photographed in the narrows between Bowen Island and Point Atkinson, West Vancouver.

At last! There is solid evidence that mythical monsters like the Loch Ness Monster and Ogopogo do exist!!!!

This “digitally-enhanced” image clearly shows the back and head!!!!!

This should end the debate over their existence once and for all!!!!!! The proof is indisputable!!!!!!! I think I need to stop drinking so much coffee in the morning!!!!!!!! I’m becoming agitated and tend to shout for no apparent reason!!!!!!!!! I’m going to go have a nap now!!!!!!!!!!!

(!!)

This Japanese web site offers costumes for your cat:

Ever imagined dressing up your lovely cat into a fabulous beauty? You don’t have to dress her everyday, in fact she might not feel comfortable with a dress on for days. Just dress her up only on special occasions like her birthday, takes a photo and that should leave you lots of memories and fantasies.

“Fantasies”?? This seriously disturbs my wa.

They helpfully provide step-by-step instructions on their use:

1. Dress her up. Cheer or yell, do whatever you like to enjoy the moment with your family.

2. After you are enough with your joy, take a photo! Take some poses and leave her some cute photos!

3. Remove her clothes and give her a hub, say “Thank you!”

It’s only 3000 ¥ to dress your kitty as a schoolgirl. Don’t delay, call today! (shudder)

(Thanks, Agent Q, for the link.)