A thought or two on those evil little sentence fragments

Fragments. Sentence fragments. Lots of them. Everywhere. In newspapers. In novels. In essays. Even in works by well-respected writers. Fragments make things punchier. Sharper. Almost a staccato.

Usually writers avoid using fragments too much in one paragraph, and instead they save the fragment to emphasise a particular idea. In these cases, you never know when you’ll run into a fragment, so that when it does hit you, you feel the full impact of the author’s deliberate emphasis. It should be a surprise when the reader gets to the fragment. A complete surprise.

Which isn’t to say that the fragment distracts the reader from what it is the writer is saying. Not at all. If used well, the fragment will support the ideas in the paragraph, rather than distract.

Technically, a fragment is grammatically incorrect. A high school English teacher drummed it into my head (figuratively) that fragments are always wrong. Except for famous writers, of course. (Of course.) Now that I know that there are certain times when it is perfectly acceptable for mere mortals to use a fragment, I use them freely. I don’t blame her for misguiding me, since I learned several important lessons in that class, such as “‘Because’ is a subordinate conjunction,” which I had to repeat ten times in front of an amused class. I won’t easily forget that lesson either. Ever.

She did have good reason in teaching the evils of the fragment. Had I not been told that fragments were wrong, I might now write essays that are just littered with fragments. Evil little fragments.

Penguin à la king, anyone?

As I mentioned earlier (August 10), I have, on rare occasions, wondered what penguin meat tastes like. Well, I may be a small step closer to sinking my teeth into an Opus steak today. I stumbled across the Penguin Recipe Page, where “the only good penguin is a digested penguin”.

But where does one acquire penguin? It’s a shame they closed the Stanley Park zoo — they had some tasty-looking specimens in that penguin pool.

My breakthrough in healthy living

It’s not often that a person’s dream is fulfilled.

I have often considered adopting a healthier diet. Yet, like many people, I enjoy a cold one after a long day at the office. How could I abandon such a simple pleasure?

i am. canadian. i am also, by the way, a hater of pissy, factory beers like canadian and labatts.As it turns out, I needn’t have agonized over this dilemma. Reading an article on Canada.com, I learned that beer can help lower blood pressure, reduce the risk of coronary-artery disease, and is loaded with B-vitamins.

There are limits to its goodness, however: men can have only two beers a day (and only one for women). Not a problem. If I drink beer every second day only, I can have two days’ worth — four beers — all at once. Or maybe I’ll avoid drinking beer all week, and on Saturday, I can have fourteen! And if I abstain from the suds for a whole month then I’m entitled to 62 cold ones! Woooo!

This actually brings up a serious problem for teetotallers. If a guy hasn’t had a beer in two years, for example, then for the sake of a healthy diet, he’s pretty much obliged to drink 730 of them in one sitting.

If you haven’t had a beer for a while, please… consider the consequences to your health. Don’t fall behind on your beer quota.

Geekdom is inhabited by plastic robots

Confession time. For over a year now, I’ve been playing with Lego. At first, I was a little hesitant to mention it to anyone. After all, I’m an adult playing with a child’s toy, right? That’s pretty… um… odd. To say the least.

Since then, I’ve encountered many more adults with the same odd obsession. As it turns out, it’s entirely likely that this Lego kit is enjoyed by more adults than children.

The Lego kit in question is the Mindstorms Robotics Invention System: a programmable microcomputer that lets you build and program your own robots. Actual, real, autonomous robots. Introduced in ’98, the kit became an instant sensation — a fad that sucked in countless people into the depths of geekness and spawned hundreds of Mindstorms fan sites.

one of my many creationsSo, yes. I have an odd hobby. Visitors to my home often have to avoid treading on some little mechanical creature or other robotic gadget. They may well think that I’m completely insane, but so far they have been kind enough not to say so in my presence.

I assure you, however, that I am by far not the worst of the Mindstorms geeks. From the creations on display at JP Brown’s website, it’s obvious that I’m not even in the same league as the real fanatics. Did you know, for example, that a Lego robot could solve a Rubik’s cube? And someone else hacked the firmware to create the first TCP/IP-enabled Lego brick.

My own attempts to build autonomous robots, then, are quite feeble by comparison. Oddly enough, that makes me feel better. It means that I am odd… just not as odd as those other guys.

I’m making converts, too. Recently, I lent one of my kits (yes, I bought two of them) to a friend. Yet another perfectly normal adult has been dragged into the zone of pure geekdom. Consequently, I may not hear from him again for months.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep

Geek culture has a new teen idol. Like most Internet fads (remember the “All Your Base…” phenomenon?), this one doesn’t seem to have any reason. I personally don’t get these fads. The “Hatt Baby” site was fun for a while, and if you think way back you’ll remember the Hamster Dance (“Doo do-doot doo doo do-doo…” etc.). And there may have been dozens of others that I missed — or ignored.

Ellen Feiss, student, groggy teen-geek idolNow it’s Ellen’s turn. Apple has release a series of TV ads they call “Switch”, in which real people talk about switching from PC to Mac. (As an aside, does that ever happen? Personally, I think that once you’ve been possessed by the Microsoft demon, you’re doomed to serve the evil master of Redmond forever. I digress.)

A controversial ad in the Switch series features a teenage girl named Ellen Feiss, who appears to be, shall we say, a little… er… groggy. Some even conjecture that she’s sampled a bit of the happy herb. I’ve seen the ad on Apple.com, and I’m not sold on the drug theory. She just seems like a typical, sullen, red-eyed teen. Yet somehow, based only on one 30-second ad, this groggy girl has gained a loyal following amongst teenage geeks. Websites about Ellen Feiss have sprung up all over. Here are only a few:

http://www.deepmonkey.com

www.allyourtv.com

http://www.cafeshops.com

http://www.wemakedotcoms.com

http://efeiss.flatsoda.com/

Am I missing something? I mean, sure that “beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep” bit is kind of endearing, but how do you go from that to selling Ellen Feiss t-shirts and coffee mugs? To steal a line from Mr. Shatner (as I am wont to do)…

GET A LIFE, WILL YOU PEOPLE? I MEAN… FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IT’S JUST A TV COMMERCIAL!

That’s all I really have to say. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a taped episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.