Right, so you’re hungry and you want to make something for dinner. Yeah, you could head out to McChoke-n-Puke’s and pick up a quarter pound of crap. But you already blew a pile of cash on what’s in the cupboards and the fridge. Time to put your building skills to the test — it’s time to make some soup.
Alright here’s what you need.
– A pile of potatoes.
– A litre of chicken broth (or mushroom broth if you’re a wuss and don’t eat animals).
– A pile of veggies. Whatever’s around.
– Condensed milk or sour cream.
– Salt, pepper, whatever spices you want. Real men add Tobasco.
Now. Don’t wimp out. Get to work.
1. Find a big fuckin’ knife. The bigger the better. Grab the potatoes and whack ’em into quarters. Avoid your fingers, or you’ll have a hard time finishing the job.
2. Find a gigantic pot and boil the fuck out of the potatoes.
3. Boil them more. They’re done when you can stab ’em with a fork and they’re soft.
4. Grab one of those big strainer things and dump the potatoes into it. Now, if you’ve done this part right, you should have a strainer full of boiled potato chunks and the water went down the drain. If you have potato water all over the floor, you forgot to put the strainer in the sink first. Don’t worry about it. You can clean that up when you do your monthly cleaning.
5. Now put the potatoes back into the pot and use a potato masher and crush the fuck outta those potatoes. Don’t wuss out. You need the exercise. Pulp those fuckers.
6. Whack open the broth container and pour the whole damn thing into the potatoes. Stir ’em up.
7. Grab that big knife and chop the veggies until they’re good and dead. Dump ’em into the mashed potatoes.
You can use almost any vegetable, but if you know more about beef than broccoli, you should take a sec to learn. First rule: cole slaw is not a vegetable, no matter what Colonel Sanders says. Next: pick a vegetable that you’ve seen cooked before. Cucumber or lettuce would be a bad idea. Carrots and celery are better. Boring, but better.
Try something like asperagus or leeks. Not many people know about leeks these days, but they’re an ancient vegetable, eaten by the pharaohs of Egypt. I think. It was either that or they served it at the Luxor in Las Vegas. Can’t remember which. I was pretty out of it at the time.
Anyway, let’s say you get some leeks. Leeks will try to fool you. You can’t eat three quarters of them. All of that nice-looking green bit is so stringy after it’s cooked that it’s only good for making rope. I’ll cover how to make leek rope in the next entry.
The best part about leeks is that they’re great for jokes. Just imagine the looks when you say, “Hey, I gotta take a leek” then you go to the fridge. Well, maybe it’s more funny when you actually see it.
8. Boil the fuck outta the veggies.
9. Add seasoning until it doesn’t taste boring. Turn down the heat so it’s not boiling anymore.
10. You might have noticed that your soup is really low on oil and fat. That’s why it tastes like dishwater. Whack open the condensed milk or the sour cream and dump it all in. There’s your fat content.
Done. Eat it. Fuckin’ awesome. Goes good with a glass of chablis. I mean beer. Goes good with beer. And a burger. Hoo, that was close.
