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To my beloved, delivered without lemon sauce

...thou art but a drab morsel: plain and common.

O breaded lemon chicken, wast thou lonely before thou wore lemon? Thine artless crust becomes artful only in the company of citron. In thy brittle raiment, thou canst tempt even the gods of Olympus to assuage their hunger; and yet without the lemon, without thy heaven-paired companion, thou art but a drab morsel: plain and common.

So, my sweet, tart collation, mayest thou never again be parted from thy condiment, and my love for thee will be as constant as the neon sign at Amy Chinese Seafood Restaurant.

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The winning ticket

my winning ticketO the fates have smiled upon me. Behold a winning ticket.

Before today, I was a lottery virgin. That’s right. Never played. And here it is… on my first try, I won…

TWO… WHOLE… DOLLARS!!

I can’t imagine what I’ll do with this money. Oh yeah, I already spent it on a pack of gum. Doh!

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12:00 12:00 12:00 12:00

Whenever I visit the home of a particular friend — let’s call him Joe — I find it extremely difficult to focus on conversation. I might be in the middle of saying something, when something attracts my attention in the corner of my eye. I catch sight of a flashing light over by the television, and my focus is drawn to that corner like a moth to a light bulb. But I already know the source, even before I look: his damn VCR is flashing “12:00” as it has been for the last five years since he bought the thing.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

How is it that he can let an appliance to continue to demand attention? It sits in the corner, plaintively flashing its display, as if saying Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

And yet, for years, no one has spent the minute or two it takes to set the clock and pacify the poor machine. Whenever I catch sight of the flashing clock in Joe’s living room, I’m reminded of the people across the street who let their dog bark throughout the night. Dogs, on the other hand, eventually tire and stop (usually by the wee hours of the morning). A VCR never gives up.

We draw conclusions about people who let their dog bark all night. The owner might be lazy, might be irresponsible. The owner might be asleep or deaf… or at least dead. But none of these attributes apply to Joe.

I think the answer might be in the what the VCR represents to Joe. A VCR is an intrusion of modern technology into the living room, which is the inner sanctum of his home. As a sacred place in his home life, the living room should not be ruled by a machine. A human being must never take second place to the needs of a VCR. Letting it continue its plaintive appeal for attention is Joe’s statement to all his guests that he has little respect for the needs of a mere machine.

All the same, next time I visit, I’ll wait until he’s in the other room… and I’ll set the clock.

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Spam of the day

One can never have enough spam. That’s why I thought I’d start sharing some. This example of spammy goodness comes from matt@hotmail.com (bots, please add that to your mailing list):

Stop Harrasing Creditor Calls

When you get a creditor call, do you harrass them? Well stop it! They have feelings too, you know.

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Sushi Robo

Have you ever been to Sushi Robo? It’s a little sushi take-out place where, as the name implies, the sushi is made by a robot.

When I first heard about the place, I was stunned. A sushi-making robot? I imagined walking into a restaurant, and there’s C3PO behind the sushi bar, slapping together a spicy tuna roll. As I take a seat at the bar, he shouts “Konnichiwa!!”, which startles all the furry little Ewok waiters, and causes the green dancing girl to miss a step. (If you’re going to have a robot sushi chef, you might as well go for the full sci-fi theme restaurant, right?)

I had to see this place. So the next day, I dropped by Sushi Robo for lunch, looking forward to exchanging some quips with the gold-plated droid. Peering into the kitchen, I saw a blocky machine with a rice hopper that spat out perfectly-formed blocks of rice onto a conveyor belt.

Yes, it was a disappointment. But one of these days, someone will catch on and make a real sushi-making droid.

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