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Dear Fox Entertainment,

Are you out of you freakin’ minds? What’s this I hear about The Simpsons being extended until 2005? The show is a tired, lifeless husk that you should put to rest already. The world doesn’t need 360 episodes of The Simpsons. People already say “Doh” and “Mmm, doughnuts” far too much.

But no, you can’t let it go, can you? You money-grubbing bastards have to squeeze a few more dollars out of the show. Just sell a few more books, t-shirts, stuffed dolls, and miscellaneous garbage with the Simpsons family printed on it. If you’re really serious about the Simpsons memorabilia, you could go the route of Hello Kitty, and get into the adult toy market. Marge’s hair does look a little suggestive, if you know what I mean.

And hey, why not arrange an appearance by Dubya? That’ll boost the ratings. He’s the only serving US president who hasn’t appeared on the show (and besides… I hear that he can be paid in bananas).

Please don’t misunderstand, I am a Simpsons fan. I used to watch The Simpsons avidly — more often than I used to watch Star Trek, if only for the fact that The Simpsons shows three or four times a day on several different channels. Now I’d rather chew my leg off while plummeting from a great height into a pit full of rabid lemurs than have to see Homer become buddies with another Hollywood celeb. I’m serious. I’m making arrangements for the lemurs at this moment.

Sincerely,

Cubicle Dweller

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Q

Have you ever noticed the amazing redundancy of the word “queue”? I’m fascinated by that word.You’d think it could be spelled with fewer vowels. Like none, for example. Just the letter Q.

But no, it cleverly starts off with a Q then sneaks in a U-E combination. And it doesn’t stop there either. It repeats the U-E again… and quite frivolously, in my opinion.

Q.

U-E.

U-E.

It’s like the second U-E is just tacked onto the end in case the reader isn’t fully convinced of its Q-ness.

Queue. Queue. Queue. Queue. It’s fun to type too.

I think I’ll try to use it several times in conversation today. Maybe I’ll talk about it with the next person in the bank machine Q.

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If you’re here looking for ‘chunkylover53@aol.com’…

Over the last few days, my web site traffic has just about tripled. Why? Two reasons.

  • First, I mentioned Premier Campbell’s arrest in Maui. Google now considers me a leading authority on the subject, and sends people here looking for Campbell mug shot t-shirts.
  • Second, I foolishly mentioned that Homer Simpson’s e-mail address was “chunkylover53@aol.com”. I’ve had dozens of request for that alone. Doh!! If you’re reading this to find out what the scoop is on Homer’s e-mail, then according to Darren, who e-mailed me today, there’s an autoreply set up on that account to send back “Hello Internet Nerd”. My mesage just bounced, to my great disappointment. I would have like to get in touch with Homer, but I’m sure he’s a busy guy now that his e-mail’s public knowledge.

So if you arrived here looking for Gordon or Homer, you’re barking up the wrong tree. But feel free to browse around the site.