Mushrooms at Lighthouse Park, West Vancouver
If you saw these growing on a log in the forest, would you lick them?
Spork-based devices coming soon!
This just in from Wired.com:
Microsoft to Unveil Spork-Based Computer
Feb. 14 2003
Microsoft Corporation plans to unveil its newest spork productivity tool.
At an event in New York City, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will announce the release of Microsoft SporkPC in partnership with several leading software and hardware companies. It is Microsoft’s claim that mobile device manufacturers have too long ignored the potential of spork-based devices, which are more natural and easier to use than computers with a keyboard and a mouse.
Gates has said the devices will be used by executives to take notes in meetings, by office workers to consume lunches, and by the next generation of workers, from doctors and nurses to delivery workers, as a personal hygiene device.
The manufacturers are hoping to pursuade consumers to pay significantly more than the price of today’s sporks, Microsoft said.
Microsoft is betting that it can claim market share over Apple’s spork-based device, which is rumored to be in development. A spokesperson for Apple Computer could not be reached for comment.
The Search for Spork, Park VI
This morning I discovered a package on my desk. In an unmarked brown envelope was a videotape labeled Confidential: Jobs iSpork Demo. With the tape in hand, I went directly to the company’s VCR and locked the door behind me.
In the darkened room, I had quite a shock as I realized that the tape was authentic. It appeared to be a recording of a product demo made by Steve Jobs, although when and to whom, I couldn’t tell. The product: the yet-to-be-revealed Apple iSpork prototype.
Although Apple is aware that Microsoft is already developing a spork-themed product, Jobs is nevertheless pushing forward with the uniquely-designed iSpork, which features a large, translucent handle that plays MP3s, takes digital photos, records DVDs, and connects to a Mac via FireWire. His prototype iSpork had two gigabytes of memory, but the target is at least ten gigabytes for the final product. This would mean that iSpork users could digitally record several hours of sporking, then either burn it directly to DVD or transfer it to their Mac for editing.
The taped demo was only ten minutes long, though quite revealing. It’s clear to me that regular spork users are about to be caught between these mega-corporations as they vie for spork market share.
The Search for Spork, Part V
I just recieved an e-mail from an anonymous source. There was no subject, and the body consisted only of this picture:
This could be bigger than I had expected. Is Microsoft stepping into the lucrative spork market? Is Gates himself the mastermind behind the missing utensils?
The Search for Spork, Part IV
It’s been a week since my vigil in the kitchen, and still no sign of the missing utensils. I’ve seen people eating soups and stews with improvised utensils, such as rulers, rolled up sticky-notes, and even diskettes. Once-popular containers of chocolate pudding have gone untouched for days.
The local cubicle dwellers are beginning to lose hope. Some have been been affected more than others. While some have successfully switched to foods that require a fork or chopsticks, others resort to desperate means to fill the void left by the absent spoons. One programmer created a virtual spoon and spends hours interacting with it in The Sims. And in one sad case, a tech writer spent countless hours writing stories about utensils. I’m not sure if he’ll ever recover from the emotional scars.
It has to come to an end. The spoons have to be recovered. I have only one logical recourse now. I’ll have to call in a paranormal investigator — ideally a utensil specialist.