In a startling revelation, I suddenly realized that the most comfortable item of furniture in my livingroom is my exercise bike. I now have the desperate urge to throw my IKEA futon frame out my window and burn it in the street. You have a lot to answer for, Ingemar.
Stimulating storylines
As I walked from the parkade this morning, past the woman kissing the rock, past the McDonald’s (alright, alright… through the McDonald’s), and down the street to the office, I wondered if last night’s episode of Enterprise was a complete waste of an hour of my life. The storylines on this series started so well, with a mysterious person from the future plotting to unravel the fabric of time. As the series progressed, plots became a little thin.
What happened to the thought-provoking themes that were the hallmark of Star Trek? What happened to the edge-of-your seat suspense like when Picard became a borg? Now it all seems so completey… lame. Like the episode where Trip gets pregnant and grows a nipple on his wrist. Now there’s some thought-provoking drama. [heaves exasperated sigh]
Last night’s Enterprise plot: T’Pol, the va-va-va-Vulcan, enters the Ponn Farr during a decontamination routine. What this means, for those who wisely avoid the show, is that a jelly-smeared, half-naked, sexy Vulcan with implants (no, not her ears), becomes a sweaty, crazed sex-fiend who tries to mate with anything on two legs.
Well, on reflection, maybe it wasn’t a complete waste of an hour.
Please Use Caution! Extreme Frowning Area!
Ouch. My wrist and finger joints hurt. I have blisters forming on my fingers where I hold my pencil. My neck hurts from hunching over my desk. My eyes have gone all wonky from staring at these printouts.
After ten hours of marking up hardcopy (with one 15-minute break) yesterday, I began to tire. Today is day three of these edits. I’m beginning to lose my patience. If you work for this company, allow me to offer a word or two of advice:
- Do not ask me to start making last-minute additions to the manual.
- Do not ask me to create two dozen new illustrations by tomorrow.
- Do not ask me to adjust the width of the template (and all styles) by a quarter inch.
- Do not ask me to create three dozen new screen captures in XP rather than 2K.
- Do not ask me to write an entirely new booklet on how to find the other manuals.
- Do not look at a three-month-old early draft of the help then enter a bug saying that it’s out of date.
If you attempt any of these, you may receive the frowning of a lifetime. Be warned. My frowns can leave lasting emotional scars.
Health regimen
I have decided to take the plunge. Starting yesterday, I began my strict health regimen:
- Each day, I will walk at least five metres.
- I will not visit McDonald’s unless it is before 8:00am or after 12:00 noon.
- Beer is completely forbidden except on weekends, holidays, Friday lunches, and any day that has a vowel in its name.
- After work every day, I will spend at least half an hour on the stationary bike, of which at least some of the time will be spent pedalling.
- I will eat at least one vegetable each week.
- I will no longer eat orange foods. Basically nothing orange is natural. Except oranges, of course.
- I will spend less time in front of the computer.
- I will give up cigarettes. Thankfully I’ve never smoked them, so that one’s easy.
- I will use my feet whenever possible.
- I will only drink beer from a keg, because lifting one of those is a real workout.
Fred
There once was a penguin named Fred
Who drank quite a bit, it is said.
He spent every night
Drinking pissy Coors Lite
By morning he looked like the dead.