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This is not the droid you’re looking for

London Drugs now sells a “Grillbot” for cleaning you barbecue grill. This is so phenomenally stupid, I don’t know where to start.

First, it’s almost certainly not a robot, which implies a level of autonomy and decision-making, but rather an automaton, which simply bounces around the grill spinning it’s feeble little brushes.

Second, a simple steel brush and a bit of steel a wool would be more effective because a person can not only apply force when needed, but can also identify dirt spots and focus more attention on those.

Third, after you’ve run down the batteries on this gadget, you’ll have to clean up after it anyway. Check the results, scrub missed spots, rinse the grill, etc.

Fourth, as any Roomba owner knows, maintenance is time consuming and expensive. Dirt gets into the inner workings, parts need to be replaced, batteries charged/replaced — all of this costs you money and time. At huge expense, you’ve given yourself more work than you had before.

Finally, if I had a gas barbecue, I would definitely buy one of these, because OMG TINY GRILL-CLEANING ROBOT!

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My hard-and-fast, tried-and-true, after-the-fact rules

In my long and glorious career writing user manuals, I’ve adopted many rules to ensure that my work is absolute top-quality. They’re kind of like the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition in Star Trek, only my rules aren’t numbered, and I usually only remember any given rule after I’ve violated it. So in actual practice, their actual application is much like, “Oh, crap, not again,” followed by panicked scrambling.

Examples:

  • Never publish first-thing in the morning. Your brain in the morning is as agile a new-born deer wobbling around on spindly legs: you’re going to fall flat frequently and often. In practice, this means making such wonderful screw-ups as publishing the Portuguese version with a German cover.
  • Never say “no hurry” to your subject matter expert. If you ask an SME a question and imply that they have at least a week to get back, you will never hear from them again. Instead, tell them you need their feedback before the end of the day, and when they complain, grudgingly accept the next day instead. But before noon. Is this deceptive? Yes. Of course it is.
  • Never skip the spell-chick. Even when the pressure is high, always check the spelling; always scan the copy for typos. You really don’t want to publish a manual in which the product name is misspelled both on the title page and the running header.

I was reminded of these rules this morning while making coffee — a procedure that has its own similar set of rules. For example, don’t start the coffee machine without an urn or cup under it. I’ve broken that rule a few times. From this morning: a coffee press produces the best coffee when you use boiling water, not cold tap water. It also helps if you have ground coffee in it. My mug of cold tap water was refreshing, but not what I expected.

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Building a bike route

Outside my window, a road crew is building a concrete median to segregate my street as part of Vancouver’s expanding network of bike lanes. The north side, the larger part, will allow one-way traffic and parking. The south side, which is quite a bit narrower, will allow two-way bike traffic. They have already placed most of the plywood forms and rebar, and a cement truck has pulled up just now.

Pouring concrete for a new median
Pouring concrete for a new median

I’m watching this with a lot of interest, partly because it’s the most excitement around here in a while, and partly because I’m curious about the consequences.

The city’s stated intention is “traffic calming”. By converting the street to alternating on-way—each block runs one way opposite to its neighbours—cars and trucks can’t use it as a thoroughfare. This makes it a much safer route for cyclists than the busy route one block over with no bike lane at all.

Since big delivery trucks seem to like this street as a shortcut, I’m looking forward to not hearing the roar of big diesel engines outside my window. As well, there’s a school here; kids and traffic don’t mix well, unless you’re using them as lane markers or speed bumps.

Among the objections to this route was the loss of parking in a neighbourhood that didn’t have enough already. The plan removes street parking along the south side. At my guess, that’s a loss of about 50 spots per block. It was a challenge to find parking near my home before. I can’t imagine finding parking within a few blocks radius now.

Converting a busy two-way street to a quiet one-way street is going to be a confusing transition. After the work is done, I’ll definitely watch for confused drivers heading the wrong way and down the bike lane, probably wondering why their lane is so damn narrow. I’ve already seen photos off drivers doing that in segregated bike lanes downtown. It’s hilarious until they meet a cyclist.

And when inevitably somebody living on the south side hires movers or takes a delivery, where does the truck park to load or unload? Across the street, making the poor delivery guy dodge cars with his hand truck, climb a concrete median, then dodge bikes? Can the van jump the median and park in the bike lanes? We’ll see how that works out.

Finally, the question most have is this: Will cyclists even use the route? The more popular route among cyclist, despite the dangerous traffic, is one block north, where the hill is a bit smaller. As my brother Matt says, cyclists tend to take the path of least resistance. After all the expense, effort, and inconvenience, cyclists may just avoid it anyway. It might be perfectly safe, but it might be futile.

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More recipes? Seriously?

This blog has evolved from its creation in 2002. What began as a collection of notes and observations about and around cubicle life eventually morphed into commentary about Second Life and my work there. Now it’s faltering a little bit. It may look like I’ve turned it into a repository for my recipes, but let me assure you that I certainly may not actually do that for certain. I’ll have to think about it.

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Making guacamole is easy, so stop buying it

They are dragon eggs, KhaleesiLet’s talk about guacamole. In this part of the world, good guacamole is hard to find. For decades, I thought guacamole was the pasty, green goop you could buy in small, sealed containers from the grocery store. Then I sampled some authentic guacamole from a little stand at a food market. It was made right there daily with fresh ingredients by owners who grew up making it. Tasting it was an eye-opener. In consistency, it was more like salsa with nice chunks of tomato, onion, and jalapeno, highlighted with the tangy notes of cilantro and lime. It was so fresh! I had to make it.

As it turns out, there are as many different favourite recipes for guacamole as there are people who make it. Everyone knows the best and most authentic way, but there’s no agreement on what that is. What I take from that is that, if you make your own guacamole, it’s very hard to get it wrong.

So here’s my own not-quite-authentic recipe for a fresh, zesty guacamole. I guarantee that if you make this, you’ll never touch the pasty stuff at the supermarket ever again.

Ingredients

  • 3 ripe avocados
  • 2 roma tomatoes, gutted and chopped
  • A quarter white onion, chopped
  • 1 jalapeno pepper, chopped
  • 1/2 cup or more of fresh cilantro, finely chopped
  • Juice of 1 or 2 limes
  • 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped (if you use a garlic press, it wastes some, so use 3 cloves)
  • Habanero pepper sauce (I like Cholula, but most habanero sauces work)
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Preparation

I prefer to chop my ingredients rather than use a food processor. Using the latter tends to produce a purée rather than tiny, tasty chunks, but for some it’s easier to do. This is the chopping method.

  1. Put the meat from 3 avocados into a mixing bowl with the lime juice and mash it to a pulp. Lime juice is not only tasty, but its acid helps prevent the blackening of the avocado.
  2. Gut the roma tomatoes and jalapenos (no seeds or tomato jelly). Chop the tomatoes, onion, and jalapeno, and throw them into the bowl. These should be tiny individual chunks, but not a purée.
  3. Finely chop the garlic and cilantro. Dump them into the mixing bowl. (If you use a food processor, these two should be almost puréed.)
  4. Add about a half tablespoon of habanero pepper sauce, and a half teaspoon each of salt and pepper.
  5. Mix the ingredients in the bowl thoroughly until you get an even consistency throughout.
  6. Taste. Add more cilantro, habanero sauce, salt, and pepper if you need to.

This is enough to serve several people at a party. Or yourself for a few days. I’m not judging.

If you need to store it, put it in an airtight bowl with plastic wrap pressed right down onto the guac to force out any air, then put on the bowl’s lid. Air causes oxidation, which is what causes blackening of avocados; the plastic prevents most air contact.