Virtual vehicles for the metaverse
In Melbourne, Australia, two masked bandits robbed a gas station at gunpoint yesterday. After threatening the gas station attendant with a sawed-off shotgun, the thieves made off with two big bags… of garbage.
Link: Aussie bandits make getaway from gas station robbery with bags of garbage
Let me tell you something about my neighbourhood. I live in an old pile of bricks on Alberta Street, just north of Broadway. It is two blocks east of the edge of the almost-fashionable condo developments of Fairview. It is three blocks north of the older heritage homes of Mount Pleasant. And it is right in the middle of a sprawl of light industrial factories and small businesses.
At night, urban noises float on the air. Against the drone of the ventilation at the factory, there’s the rhythmic tink, tink, tink of hammers on metal. At irregular intervals, cars swish past, too quickly, on their way to somewhere else . From time to time, this ensemble is interrupted by the steel clatter of a grocery cart on crumbling, irregular pavement, the rattle grows louder as it passes under the bedroom window, only feet away, and trundles on down the alley.
Arguments break out between men, and their angry voices echo between the endless backs of brick businesses. Their shouts carry the rhythm of sparring: an attack, and now a defense, then a misdirection and returned attack. And in time the music of hate wears itself into silence.
The homes — slums, all slums. Even those houses renovated and painted are slums-in-denial, because this is the last stop before oblivion for these homes. They’re being eaten alive by businesses that are always encroaching, encircling, always killing, then feasting on the carcasses. When I look from my front windows, I see only the empty shell of a dead house — there was a fire, several months ago. Arson, they say. In some neighbourhoods, a burnt house would be taken care of: renovated, repaired, or replaced. Here, the burnt-out shell is left abandoned and no one cares. If it’s torn down, no house will ever stand in that spot again.
In the wee hours of the morning, the delivery trucks — tractor trailers, most of them — vie with the garbage trucks for clear passage through the alleys, all under my window, and only a meter or two from me. In my home. In my bed. Listening to the sounds of the dying neighbourhood. Just beyond the edge of the almost-fashionable part of the city.
Everyone has at some point in their lives worked with (or for) complete doofuses. Got a workplace story that you’d like to share? Have a gander at this new blog: www.iworkwithfools.com.
[Intro music: lively, upbeat music. Sound of audience going wild. A penguin steps out onto the stage and waves to the audience. Eventually the applause subsides.]
PERCY: Hello everyone. I’m Percy Featherbottom…
[applause]
You may remember me from such shows as Charlie’s Penguins, Penguin P.I., and Starsky and Penguin.
[applause]
Thank you, thank you.
When Cubicle Dweller asked me to host the Cubicle Dweller blogiversary clip-show, the first question on my mind was… does it pay well?
[audience laughter]
Heh, heh, heh. But seriously… it turns out that it doesn’t. Apparently, I’m not a big enough star. Apparently, penguins just don’t pull in the viewers. I was considered an artist once! But now I have to work for herring. For herring.
[silence. someone coughs.]
(Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yes. Could you hold those cue-cards a little higher? Thanks.)
[reading from card] Cubicle Dweller’s bloggings all began on July 17th, 2002 with an entry in which he commented that “no one will ever read this. So I don’t have to worry about offending anyone.” Boy was HE wrong. Heh heh heh. Over the last year, he managed to offend and alienate just about everyone, including every small furry animal on the McDonald’s menu.
[polite scattered laughter]
(Who wrote this schlock? I’m dying up here.)
[reading cue cards again]
Yes, over twelve months of pointless prattle, Cubicle Dweller has often returned to the one subject that he can be passionate about: BIG, GREASY HAMBURGERS!! Yowza!
[silence.]
Ahem. Uh… Let’s look at a few of those now:
Oh, my. Now that’s a lot of greasy meat-products. Heh heh heh.
[silence. crickets chirping.]
(Uh… Wow, you people are a tough audience.)
[reading cue cards] And then there was the time when Percy Featherbottom hosted the First Annual— Hey! That’s today’s blog entry.
Alright, I’ve had it with this clip-show. I’ll just announce the winners of the blogiversary contest, okay?
The winning scene in the First Annual Cubicle Dweller blah blah blah Contest is…
[drum roll]
The untitled scene about a penguin
by Adrian Bedford!
[insane applause and hoots from audience]
Adrian is now the owner of a brand-new Endofline.ca mouse-pad!!! Hey, wait a sec. “Endofline.ca”? Oh, bloody hell. Well anyway, it’s a mouse pad.
And in the other category, the LEGO Mindstorms robot category, the winner is… uh… what? No one entered a robot? Oh, for crying out loud.
Well I guess I’ll just have to give away another obsolete mouse pad to a runner-up in the first category. Who made up this contest anyway? Was he on crack??
The runner-up for winning scene is…
Ripping Time Space
by Eric Janssen!
[insane applause again]
A great big thank you to all who entered the contest: Treefen, Dr Destructo, Bishop John, River Selkie, Purple Fish, Adrian Bedford, Stephen Cavers (who was immediately disqualified for improper relations with one of the judges), and Eric Janssen. Adrian and Eric, please send your snail-mail address to Cubicle Dweller and your obsolete mouse pad will arrive in the mail shortly thereafter.
And before I go, ladies and gentlemen, I’d just like to take a moment to sing something that really touches my heart in a way that—
[lights begin to drop, theme music rises]
Hey! I’m not done yet!
Bloody hell.
[roll credits]
I couldn’t help it. I have seen hundreds of visitors hitting my site while Googling for “chimps on penguins”. At last my morbid curiosity got the better of me.
Here it is, from Goodjoke.com: “Chimps on Penguins – at the Monkey Bar” (Windows Media, 1.49MB)