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False impressions

Canada is a nation of the perpetually misunderstood. Some people think Canada is a northern utopia. Samantha Bennett, a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, is one of them:

You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn’t gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn’t always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he’s there.

And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you’ve seen mowing the yard is his spouse.

Allow me to introduce Canada. * 

As I snowshoed to work this morning, I thought about this article, but I was interrupted by several musket-wielding trappers. They stole all of my furs, which I had planned to take to the trading post. Now I can’t afford to buy beer, Canadian bacon (which we just call “bacon”), or firewood to heat the igloo.

It’s true that nobody carries handguns, but they’re no good for hunting buffalo. And you can’t take down an attacking grizzly with a .45. You need a good, sturdy hunting knife.

It’s also true that we didn’t send the Canadian army to fight in Iraq, but that’s only because he was busy that day. Also, our planes are only equipped with skis, which don’t work very well in the sand.

Thanks, Pete, for sending me this one. I’ll send you some seal blubber.

Link to full article: post-gazette.com: It’s not just the weather that’s cooler in Canada

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Monday story pitch

Kirk Murkburger, a used car salesman in Des Moines, Washington, leads a quiet life of contemplation and rusty Hondas, until a spacecraft lands on his roof. The pilot, Princess Weenie of the Purple Slime Dimension, enlists him as her Hero and they set out on a quest to win back her claim to the throne of Barflesnack.

In a pitched space battle, Kirk is reduced to a shapeless blob of jelly and taken prisoner by the Nefarious Rog of Quarnon, the evil leader of the Barnacle Army, which inhabits the underside of a rock on a beach outside the Barflesnack palace. Kirk pretends to be an expert on the intricacies of interdimensional time-space travel and sells the Nefarious Rog a ’91 Honda Civic in exchange for his freedom and a fresh Mason jar.

Once free, Kirk defeats Rog in a battle of logic and marries Princess Weenie. They live a long and happy life and together raise several little jars of raspberry jelly.

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Jailtime for work of fiction

When Brian Robertson was 18, he wrote a story–a fictional account of an armed invasion of his school. He was charged with a felony and could spend up to ten years in jail, if convicted.

After searching Robertson’s car and his parents’ home, authorities found no weapons, traces of explosive material or any other evidence that the teen was planning to attack his school.

But authorities said the story Robertson wrote was sufficient to charge him under an Oklahoma state statute, which was passed in the wake of school shootings across the country in the last few years. * 

Well, maybe it’s for the best. We certainly don’t want children to waste their time writing fiction anyway. All kids who write “dark” fiction should be rounded up and charged with sedition. It would solve the problem of over-crowding in schools. This is a step in the right direction, in my opinion.

Link: Wired.com: “Write a Story, Go to Jail”

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Only a few days left

Only a few days left until The Two Towers is released on video. I won’t buy it, of course–I’ll wait until the extended version comes out later this year. Until then, I’ll watch the original edit for the second, third, and possibly tenth time.

Anyone up for a Two Towers vid party?

Link: www.thetwotowers.com.