[Intro music: lively, upbeat music. Sound of audience going wild. A penguin steps out onto the stage and waves to the audience. Eventually the applause subsides.]
PERCY: Hello everyone. I’m Percy Featherbottom…
[applause]
You may remember me from such shows as Charlie’s Penguins, Penguin P.I., and Starsky and Penguin.
[applause]
Thank you, thank you.
When Cubicle Dweller asked me to host the Cubicle Dweller blogiversary clip-show, the first question on my mind was… does it pay well?
[audience laughter]
Heh, heh, heh. But seriously… it turns out that it doesn’t. Apparently, I’m not a big enough star. Apparently, penguins just don’t pull in the viewers. I was considered an artist once! But now I have to work for herring. For herring.
[silence. someone coughs.]
(Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yes. Could you hold those cue-cards a little higher? Thanks.)
[reading from card] Cubicle Dweller’s bloggings all began on July 17th, 2002 with an entry in which he commented that “no one will ever read this. So I don’t have to worry about offending anyone.” Boy was HE wrong. Heh heh heh. Over the last year, he managed to offend and alienate just about everyone, including every small furry animal on the McDonald’s menu.
[polite scattered laughter]
(Who wrote this schlock? I’m dying up here.)
[reading cue cards again]
Yes, over twelve months of pointless prattle, Cubicle Dweller has often returned to the one subject that he can be passionate about: BIG, GREASY HAMBURGERS!! Yowza!
[silence.]
Ahem. Uh… Let’s look at a few of those now:
- July 24 2002
- August 15 2002
- August 21 2002
- August 25 2002
- November 6 2002
- January 21 2003
- February 17 2003
- February 23 2003
- April 4 2003
- April 22 2003
- May 6 2003
- June 23 2003
- July 11 2003
Oh, my. Now that’s a lot of greasy meat-products. Heh heh heh.
[silence. crickets chirping.]
(Uh… Wow, you people are a tough audience.)
[reading cue cards] And then there was the time when Percy Featherbottom hosted the First Annual— Hey! That’s today’s blog entry.
Alright, I’ve had it with this clip-show. I’ll just announce the winners of the blogiversary contest, okay?
The winning scene in the First Annual Cubicle Dweller blah blah blah Contest is…
[drum roll]
The untitled scene about a penguin
by Adrian Bedford!
[insane applause and hoots from audience]
Adrian is now the owner of a brand-new Endofline.ca mouse-pad!!! Hey, wait a sec. “Endofline.ca”? Oh, bloody hell. Well anyway, it’s a mouse pad.
And in the other category, the LEGO Mindstorms robot category, the winner is… uh… what? No one entered a robot? Oh, for crying out loud.
Well I guess I’ll just have to give away another obsolete mouse pad to a runner-up in the first category. Who made up this contest anyway? Was he on crack??
The runner-up for winning scene is…
Ripping Time Space
by Eric Janssen!
[insane applause again]
A great big thank you to all who entered the contest: Treefen, Dr Destructo, Bishop John, River Selkie, Purple Fish, Adrian Bedford, Stephen Cavers (who was immediately disqualified for improper relations with one of the judges), and Eric Janssen. Adrian and Eric, please send your snail-mail address to Cubicle Dweller and your obsolete mouse pad will arrive in the mail shortly thereafter.
And before I go, ladies and gentlemen, I’d just like to take a moment to sing something that really touches my heart in a way that—
[lights begin to drop, theme music rises]
Hey! I’m not done yet!
Bloody hell.
[roll credits]